New Year, New Week, New Post

In years past I have made New Year's Resolutions; they were broad and vague and usually forgotten by the end of January. But this year is different, this year I vow to make no New Year's Resolutions. I vow to take life month by month, week by week and day by day. I have places where I would like to be in a year and in five years. But as life so frequently needs us to be, I will be flexible and reevaluate my time frames and check lists. My hope is that in being a little bit more Organic in how I style my life, my lifestyle will follow suit. And that with some meditation, a little bit of prayer, and a lot of work, I will be able to meet my goals for this year.This was supposed to be ready for the first Monday of the year; but it was still percolating. See, I'm taking this year week by week.

photo credit: Me at the 2008 Philadelphia Flower Show, take by R (my loving husband)

Faith

Usually when people have a crisis of Faith they find that their Faith is lacking something and that maybe they had Faith in something that isn't really there. This past week I have been finding that I am having the opposite. I am finding that maybe I don't have enough Faith and that maybe I need to close my eyes and just trust and believe. I was raised very Catholic, as a teen with issues and opinion I found that a) the Church didn't support and help me enough and b) I didn't agree with a number of the Church's positions on things. I have learned I don't have to agree with everything. I am also realizing how members of my family find comfort in ritual, tradition, prayer and the idea of there being more.

And through all this and all my wishing, that it was as easy as when I was little and had all the Godly Faith in the world, I still find that I have a block in my path.

picture credit http://www.rosaryaday.com

Do

I'm having one of those days where my pain levels are high and my energy levels are low; it causes the smallest tasks to seem daunting. I feel overwhelmed and frustrated. My poor husband, R., is having a very similar sort of day; but he has the added stress of being at work. I just want to go back to bed. But Life needs to be met and dealt with. And all one can do is pray and meditate, then gather their self up and do.

A Little Box of Sunshine

Sometimes it really is the simple, little things in life; one of my greatest joys of this in-between season (no longer really Autumn and not quite Christmas) is a clementine, or three. They are so small, bright and juicy; really I could devour a whole box, if they didn't cost so much. So instead, I try to savor each one.

Needing and Wanting

I have been thinking lately about the things we need verses the things we want; sometimes the line between the two is so faint that one may not be able to tell the difference. I need shelter, but I want a nice (simple and modest) home. I need to eat, but I want to create nutritious, delectable organic meals. I must cloth myself, but I want to wear feminine and flattering clothing.

There are things that I want so badly that I have convinced myself that I need them.

I think I may be suffering from a case of the green eyed monster. There are many things in life that I want; good health, secure finances, a comfortable hospitable home, babies, time and energy to write, sew and craft, and a hobby farm/home stead. There are a number of people in my life who are in a similar place, but they are attaining the very same things I want. I am over joyed for them. And though I try to be as pure in heart and thought as possible; part of me envies them. I do not deny these people their blessings, I think they are wholly deserving. It is not for me to question, but I still want to know why. Why it is that I am plagued by bad health and a broken body when all I want is a strong healthy body and soul that can till the earth and create.

I don't mean to sound whiny. I intend to be inquisitive and contemplative.

Is it that I am doing something so wrong that I am denying myself or sabotaging myself? Or despite all that I want for myself, does God want something different for me, or of me?

I have been meditating on this for few weeks, quietly thinking about it. I'm strong willed and I pray for others, but I don't pray for guidance. It maybe time for me to start, but I'm not sure where.

Maybe what all this boils down to is that I want to know what it is that I need verses what I want; and what it is the "Universe" wants and needs of me.